Vegeta Nibunnoichi
by Sango
Summary: An unfortunate event causes Vegeta to turn into a cute, red-haired, female version of himself when splashed with cold water. Hot water restores his true form, until the next time. Toss in a SSJ panda, a piglet, and a ki-mallet-wielding fiancee...Complete.
1. Prologue -- Jusenkyou

insert standard disclaimer here. I don't own Dragonball Z, Ranma 1/2 or any of the characters. 

Vegeta Nibunnoichi   
-------------------   
Prologue   
Jusenkyou 

(Before Namek)   
-------------------------------------- 

Goku, Yamucha, Krillin, and Tien are all out on a training trip. By some miracle Goku has also managed to sneak Gohan out with them. 

Goku and Yamucha square off and begin to spar. Balancing on bamboo poles suspended above hundreds of tiny springs, they test each other's strength, trading blow for blow. Neither manages to gain the advantage. (No one pays any attention to the little man running around below, yelling "No, sirs! What you doing?? Very bad you fall in spring!!") 

Enter Vegeta: "Kakarot! What the hell are you doing? What kind of Saiya-jin are you?" 

Both fighters are distracted and Goku's last blow sends Yamucha spiraling down into one of the springs. Vegeta levitates in the air above, glaring at them. "I don't have to _tell_ you how stupid you look, jumping around like an idiot on those poles, do I?" 

Goku sighs. "Look, I told you, I'm not going to help you destroy the earth. This is my home!" 

Vegeta grins evilly. "Well, if you aren't going to join us, I'll just have to eliminate you." He doesn't look disappointed at the prospect. He powers up quickly and fires a ki blast at Goku before the warrior has time to react. 

Goku almost manages to dodge the blow, but is knocked off the pole and falls headfirst into the spring below. 

"Dad!!!" Poor little Gohan, seeing his father hit full on by Vegeta's attack, powers up. His eyes roll back in his head, you know the deal. "Don't hurt my daddy!!!" 

Gohan launches himself at his father's assailant. Vegeta doesn't see what hits him.   
*Splash!* 

Chaos ensues. 

little man: "See? I tell you!!" 

Krillin (sweat-dropping): "Huh?" 

Vegeta: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! What have you done to me???" 

Yamucha: Bweeeeeeeeeeee! 

Goku holds up a sign: Hey, this is actually kind of cool! 

Everyone facefaults. 

-------------------------------------- 

Vegeta picks the little man up by the collar and suspends him in the air; no mean feat, considering he was short to begin with and is now quite a bit smaller. And, er, bustier. "Old man! You'd better tell me how to reverse this if you value your life!" 

"Please, sir, put me down!" 

"Start talking!" 

"Sir, you fall in cursed spring. There is no cure. But hot water turn you back to normal, see?" He produces a kettle from thin air and pours it over Goku. 

"Ow! Hey, that's hot!"   
A sopping wet Goku exclaims, "Hey Gohan, didja see me? I was a panda!" 

Vegeta rolls his eyes disgustedly. "Baka. You're enjoying this!" 

Tien eyes her up and down. "Hey, you're pretty cute. Nice tail." 

A vein pops out in Vegeta's forehead. "What kind of moron are you? You _saw_ me fall into that spring!!" 

"So, do you wanna go out sometime?" 

"Get away!! Idiot!" Vegeta looks ill. "You have _three_ eyes and you still don't get it!! Stupid Chikyuu natives!" 

She powers up and takes off. "You haven't defeated me! I'll get you for this!!" 

Tien's eyes glaze over. "I must see her again..." 

Krillin smacks him upside the head but doesn't bother explaining. 

-------------------------------------- 

Bulma sits with a bucket of cold water, and a kettle, pouring their contents alternatively on Goku and Yamucha. "Wow! This is fascinating!" 

An unamused Yamucha glares at her. "Yeah, it's great. So can you fix it?" 

"Well, I don't--" 

"Bulma? Are you home?" 

Goku panics. "Chichi! I can't let her find me!" He upends the cold water over himself, splashing Yamucha in the process. 

"Bulma? There you are. Have you seen my husband? That baka snuck off with Gohan again. I'm going to kill him! How does he expect our son to get into a decent school?" she wails. 

Goku flinches and holds up a sign. No one here but us pandas!   
Yamucha rolls his eyes. 

Bulma, not wanting to lie to her friend, says, "Well, I don't see him around..." 

"Well, that's all right. Oh! What a cute pig!" 

"Um, thanks." 

Chichi bends down to pet him. "Is he a new pet?" 

Yamucha smirks and gives Bulma a wink.   
She thinks, "Yamucha, you wish!" 

Sweetly, to Chichi, she says, "No, he's not mine, I just found him. Would you like to take him home?" 

"Oh, Gohan would _love_ that. Thanks!" She walks out, holding Yamucha in her arms. 

Goku grabs the kettle. "Bulma! How could you do that? Look at him! He has his grubby little snout on her chest!" 

"Goku, I'm sorry, he just--" 

"I can't tell her the truth! She would kill him, and then kill me for being a panda, and then kill me again for taking Gohan anywhere near that place!" 

Exasperated, Bulma mutters under her breath, "For Pete's sake, Goku. Act like you've got a pair and stand up to your wife!" 

Out loud, she says, "I'll see what I can do about coming up with a cure. There has to be a way..." 

--------------------------------------   
End Prologue 

I have plenty more where this came from. It's going to get good when Vegeta comes back to stay at Capsule Corporation. At some point you _know_ he's going to be on the wrong end of a giant ki hammer. 

I have done a picture of what Vegeta-onna looks like, if any of you are [curious][1] :) 

Email me at [sango_chan@hotmail.com][2] if you want to be notified of updates (make sure you mention this fic by name, because I have [another][3] I'm writing as well). 

Please let me know what you think. This is my first attempt at a comedy, so pointers would be helpful... 

Thanks :) 

   [1]: http://kagome.8m.com/cgi-bin/i/images/veg_onna.jpg
   [2]: mailto:sango_chan@hotmail.com
   [3]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=273150



	2. Strange Times

insert standard disclaimer here. I don't own Dragonball Z, Ranma 1/2 or any of the characters. 

Vegeta Nibunnoichi   
-------------------   
Ch 2 - Strange Times 

(After Namek) 

-------------------------------------- 

Bulma, Puar, and Yamucha are hanging out at Capsule Corp. The sun is bright, the birds are chirping, and a balmy breeze is blowing lazily across the deck, lulling the occupants into a sleepy complacence. Yamucha relaxes in a slightly swaying hammock near the sunbathing Bulma. 

Suddenly, a loud crash comes from around the building. Bulma jerks out of a half-slumber. "What was that?" She wraps the towel she was lying on around her waist and takes off. 

Yamucha is trussed up like a fish in the hammock. "Bulma, wait!" 

As Bulma reaches the site of impact, she sees the smoking hull of the ship Vegeta had "borrowed" earlier. Yamucha skids to a halt next to her just as the hatch opens. 

Vegeta emerges, and some male posturing with Yamucha occurs. Bulma diffuses the situation before Yamucha gets his ass kicked by sauntering up to the Saiyajin Prince and announcing, "You need a bath!" 

At his dumbfounded look, she clarifies. "You. Stink." She turns away and slinks toward the house. "Follow me..." 

The eyebrows come down and he opens his mouth to retort. Before he can, she turns back and frowns, "Well, are you going to take all day or what?!" 

He grumbles but walks after her. Yamucha and Puar just stare. 

-------------------------------------- 

An undignified squeal resounds from the direction of the bathroom. "Aaaaaaaaaah! It's cold! Woman!" 

Bulma ignores him -- well, _her_, and continues to paint her toenails. Another yell causes her to miss and smear "Red Temptress" all over her big toe. She storms up to the bathroom door. 

"Grrrrrrrr...What?! What is your problem?" 

"There's no hot water!" 

"That's what _happens_ when you take an hour long shower, baka!" 

"I can't stay like this!" 

Bulma chuckles. "It's just as well, your clothes are in the wash, and mine will definitely fit you better this way." 

"WHAT!?" 

"You heard me. Didn't they have laundry facilities on Frieza's ship? They smelled like they had never seen the inside of a washing machine!" 

"I am NOT wearing women's clothing!" 

"Well, it's either that or going NAKED!" 

A long pause. Vegeta growls, "Where are the damn towels?" 

"Out here." Bulma opens the door and steps in, holding one out. Vegeta quickly covers herself -- like a guy would, both hands over her genital area. Bulma rolls her eyes. "You don't have anything I haven't seen before, you know." 

Vegeta scowls furiously. "Just give me that and get out!" 

"Fine. The clothes are over there." 

-------------------------------------- 

Bulma, Yamucha and Puar are back on the deck, kicking back. 

"So, what are you going to do with him?" 

Bulma looks taken aback. "Do? I don't know. I guess let him stay for a while. At least until Goku gets back." 

"You sure that's a good idea?" 

"Where else is he going to go? Besides, as soon as Goku returns, he'll get the fight he wants, and leave." 

"I guess--" 

Just then, Vegeta walks out. She is wearing a cute little pink tee shirt with "BAD GIRL" printed on the front, a pair of jean shorts, and a thunderous look on her face. "One word and I'll kill you." 

Yamucha falls over laughing. Then, in all seriousness, he says, "Gee Bulma, Vegeta looks better in your clothes than you do!" 

Bulma makes an outraged noise and smashes the table onto his head. "Yamucha, you jerk!" 

Vegeta smirks. "He's probably right, although this is a bit tight in the chest, not to mention baggy around the waist..." 

Bulma glares daggers at her. A blue ki aura begins to flare around the taller human woman. 

Vegeta smiles wider and continues. "I'm obviously better built than you." 

A mallet swings around in Bulma's hands and connects with Vegeta's face. He flies off into the stratosphere, and Bulma sits down to finish her drink. 

-------------------------------------- 

"It's too bad the dragonballs don't work on ancient Chinese curses." 

"I know, Yamucha. I thought for sure that was the answer. But I'm still working on it..." 

Vegeta returns and starts eating. "I should kill you for that, woman," she manages around a mouthful of food. 

"Yeah, then what would you eat, and where would you stay?" She smirks at the female Saiyajin. "And who are you calling woman, woman?" 

Vegeta growls, "I'm warning you..." 

"Hey Yamucha, are you going to let him talk to me like that?" 

The Z warrior looks at his watch. "Oi, looks like I'd better hurry up and get back!" 

Bulma sighs. "You're such a perv, you know." 

"Chichi will miss me! She worries about me when I'm not there. With Goku gone, she gets so lonely..." 

"Whatever." 

Vegeta suddenly slams her hand down on the table, spilling her drink. "I knew it! That incompetent Kakarot didn't finish it! Frieza is still alive!" 

"What??" 

-------------------------------------- 

All of the Z warriors, plus Vegeta, Bulma and Puar, gather near the location of the source of the evil ki. Vegeta is a bit impressed at Bulma's lack of fear, but refuses to let it show. 

Krillin and Gohan titter at the sight of the buxom, red-headed Vegeta in a midriff-exposing tee shirt. The monk says, "Hey Vegeta, nice outfit!" Piccolo makes a choking noise. 

"Watch it, baldy! And the rest of you shut up already! Have you forgotten why we're out here?" 

Tien sidles up to Vegeta. "Hey sweet thing, where have you been all of my life?" He closes his eyes and begins reciting bad poetry. Vegeta clocks him. Satisfied that he is out cold, she turns to the others. 

"No flying. You don't want to give away our position by raising your ki level!" 

They sneak up to where Frieza and his father are, just in time to watch a lavender-haired stranger decimate them. 

They all marvel at his power level, except of course Vegeta, who is thinking "Gaaaaah. Not ANOTHER Super Saiyajin! I refuse to believe it!..." Ad nauseum. 

Mission accomplished, the stranger flies over to them, and announces, "Hey everyone! How would you like to wait with me for Goku? He should be here in about 3 hours...right over there, I think..." 

The gang relocates, and watches as the young man pulls out a capsule and produces a fully stocked fridge. "Please, help yourselves." 

Bulma, Krillin and Gohan all take a drink and sit down. Everyone pesters the kid for information until Bulma tells them to lay off. They wait in silence from then on. The kid keeps looking around at all of them, staring intently at their faces as though trying to recognize someone. He frowns. 

Vegeta loses her short temper. "What the hell are you staring at! Pervert!" 

"Ah, nothing! Gomen!" The kid blushes and looks down. 

Finally, Goku arrives, and there is much rejoicing (Yay!) 

The kid asks to talk to him alone, so they go off, have their little Super Saiyajin battle, and Vegeta growls some more about the injustice of her life. 

Goku powers down. "Okay kid, so what did you have to tell me?" 

Trunks hesitates. "I don't know how to say this...but I'm not from this time. I'm from 20 years in the future. The reason I can turn Super Saiyajin is that I'm 1/2 Saiyajin. Vegeta is my dad." 

"Vegeta! Oh my gosh! Wow!" 

"Yeah...I thought he'd be here, though...where is he, do you know?" 

Goku looks a bit surprised. "He's here. He's right over there." 

"Which one is he?" Trunks turns around eagerly. Goku points. "The redhead." 

Trunks falls over. "My dad is a _woman_?!? Mom never mentioned _that_!!" 

"Er, yeah. It's kind of a curse. Not permaneant, though..." 

Trunks looks pained, but continues on, "Anyway, I didn't come to tell you that. 3 years from now, something terrible is going to happen..." 

He fills Goku in on the androids, gives him the heart virus antidote, etc. 

Goku asks, "You said your mom knows me...is she someone I meet later, or do I already know her?" 

Trunks points at Bulma. It's Goku's turn to facefault. "Bwahahahahahaha! Bulma's your mom?! Hehe, I didn't know Vegeta had it in him..." 

"Yeah...Mom says they didn't stay together long...and if he's a cross-dresser, I can sort of see why..." 

-------------------------------------- 

Trunks has left, and it starts to rain. The gang returns to Bulma's to wait out the storm, before going their separate ways. They are completely drenched by the time they arrive. 

Yamucha pours the contents of a kettle on himself and scowls. "This sucks!" Vegeta glares at him and waits for the second kettle to heat up while looking pissed at the world. Her red hair is dripping in her face, and the T-shirt is clinging to her uncomfortably. 

Goku-panda thinks for a moment. Oh, I don't know. I actually don't mind. It's kind of fun! 

Yamucha continues his tirade. "Easy for you to say! _You_ just like being able to hide from your wife! You don't shrink down to the size of a football! You have no idea how humiliating it is to be carried around like that, all squished up against her che--" 

Goku is glaring daggers at him. Keep your piggy paws off my wife! 

Yamucha laughs nervously, hand behind head. "Hey Goku, take it easy. I can't help that with you gone, she wanted to sleep with me at ni--Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" 

Bulma walks in to find a huge SSJ panda about to murder Yamucha. "Goku! Not on the carpet!" 

She sits down. "So...now what?" 

Goku is still sulking. Piccolo replies seriously, "Now we train. We only have 3 years to prepare for the androids." 

Goku turns to Vegeta. Hey Vegeta, are you sticking around for the fight? 

Vegeta smirks (she does a lot of that). "Of course. No one is going to kill you, except for me." 

Bulma sighs. "I guess you can stay here. We have plenty of room, after all." 

Tien declares, "I will train hard as well, my red-haired beauty. And after I have defeated these foul villains, surely then I will have proven myself worthy of you..." He grabs Vegeta's hand but is kicked into the next town before he can kiss it. 

Bulma glares at her. "Was that really necessary? Guess who gets to fix that hole in the roof!" 

Krillin exclaims, "Hey, I just thought of something...Vegeta is going to need a green card or something..." 

"What?" 

Piccolo adds, "Yeah, I got mine a while ago." He holds it up. 

Bulma frowns. "I hadn't thought of that..." 

Yamucha butts in. "There's no WAY they're going to give _him_ a green card!" He chortles, "They tend not to like it when you threaten repeatedly to blow up the planet!" 

Piccolo grins. "Gee Bulma, I guess you'll have to marry him!" 

Everyone but Bulma and Vegeta burst into hysterical laughter. 

"There is no way in hell I'm going to MARRY that loud-mouthed, ugly, vulgar woman!" 

Bulma glowers at her. "YOU shut up. I don't know why we wished your sorry ass back!" She turns to the rest of them. "No way! There is absolutely no way I'm going to marry that arrogant son of a--" 

"C'mon Bulma, we're going to need every fighter we have to beat these androids. He'll be deported off-planet otherwise..." 

Yeah Bulma, it's for the fate of the Earth... 

Vegeta dumps the finally-hot water over herself and raises his voice above all of them. "I said, NO!" He looks furious. "I am the Saiyajin no Ouji! This lowly human female is totally unworthy of being mated to someone like me--" 

Bulma has had enough. She walks up to him, pokes a finger in his face and spits at him, "Look, _Your Highness_, in case you hadn't noticed, your planet doesn't exist anymore! Your title means nothing here! You have no subjects. There are only two Saiyajins left, and unless you plan on remaining female and repopulating the race with _Goku_, that's the way it's going to stay! _So get over yourself already_!" 

Vegeta is beyond words. His face is a weird shade of purple. _Him and Kakarot_? How dare she... 

Goku: Bulma! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww! How can you even SAY that!!! 

Piccolo and the others all look rather nauseated at the mental image. 

Krillin shakes his head in an attempt to clear it. Yuck. "Well guys...what if you just say you're engaged? That might be good enough..." 

Vegeta narrows his eyes. "Fine. If it's the only way." 

Bulma snorts. "Don't do me any favors. And don't get any romantic ideas, either, pervert." 

"Like _that_ would happen." 

-------------------------------------- 

Everyone goes their different ways and begins to train. What will the next three years hold? And what will happen when the androids arrive? 

--------------------------------------   
End Chapter 2 

First of all, I changed my name from **sango_chan** to **Sango**. I wanted to be listed in the directory and all that. I hope it doesn't cause too much confusion. 

Secondly, please review this story if you like it. All reviews are welcome, but nice ones stroke my fragile ego and inspire me to keep writing. It's hard to keep putting stuff up if you think no one wants to read it. 

I also now have a [forum][1] set up to discuss my fanfiction. Visit it to comment on the fics, ask questions, or make suggestions. Members and non-members are all welcome. 

The picture of [female Vegeta][2] is still up if you want to see it. 

Email me at [sango_chan@hotmail.com][3] if you want to be notified of updates. 

Thanks for reading! 

   [1]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?fanaction=userforum&RoomID=1690
   [2]: http://kagome.8m.com/cgi-bin/i/images/veg_onna.jpg
   [3]: mailto:sango_chan@hotmail.com



	3. Three Years

insert standard disclaimer here. I don't own Dragonball Z, Ranma 1/2 or any of the characters. 

Vegeta Nibunnoichi   
-------------------   
Ch 3 - Three Years 

(Before the arrival of the androids) 

-------------------------------------- 

"Grrrrrr -- Get back here, you overgrown pork chop!!!" 

*CRASH!* 

"Bweeeeeeeeeee!" 

Furious footfalls can be heard echoing through the hallway. Yamucha tears through the house, desperately trying to escape from the enraged Saiyajin in hot pursuit. 

"I told you to stay away from my wife! How dare you let her _kiss_ you like that?!" The mental image of Chichi, innocently placing her lips on the lecherous porcine snout, in blissful ignorance of his true form, causes his fury to redouble in intensity. 

"Aha! I've got you now!" Goku lunges for the small black pig, but comes up with only an armful of air. "Why you little--I'm going to save myself the trouble and just _fry_ you," he threatens, powering up a ki blast, energy crackling on his fingertips. 

Yamucha looks even more frightened, if such a thing is possible, and frantically increasing his efforts to achieve the relative safety of the kitchen... 

"Does the word 'bacon' mean anything to you--" Goku is abruptly cut off by a frying pan to the face. 

"Baka! I told you to stop bullying P-chan!" Dark eyes flashing in anger, she places her hands on her hips and glares. "Honestly, being jealous of a pig!" The strongest warrior on earth cowers before her diminutive form, for reasons no one has yet been able to fathom. 

Nestled in the shelter of Chichi's arms, the pig in question sticks out his tongue. 

-------------------------------------- 

"Get back here, you ungrateful jackass! I spent an hour making this!" Bulma stands in the doorway, plate in hand. 

Vegeta continues moving toward the gravity chamber. "Woman, there is no way in _hell_ I am going to eat that!", he sneers over his shoulder. "I wouldn't wish that kind of slow, agonizing death on _Kakarot!_" 

"Why you arrogant, irritating, pompous--" She frisbees the aforementioned plate of death at his head. It doesn't even come close; she's a scientist, not an athlete. 

He still looks irritated by the attempt, however laughable it was. "Quit bitching at me and let me train, woman! For Kami's sake, I've been to more planets than you have pairs of shoes, and you are by far the loudest, ugliest, most annoying creature I have ever had the misfortune to encounter!" That said, he turns around and resumes walking. 

"Oh yeah? Well you're....SHORT!!!" Bulma compensates for her less-than-witty comeback by turning the garden hose on him. This, of course, does not make Vegeta happy. Now female, and sopping wet, she emits a very un-feminine bellow of rage and lunges at her hose-wielding attacker. 

Shortly thereafter, Piccolo arrives and is treated to the view of two lovely, completely drenched young women rolling around in the grass. Too bad he's an asexual Namek and the image is totally wasted on him. Well, he does get _something_ out of it; he whips out a camera and starts snapping pictures, staying out of their line of sight. Why pass up an opportunity like this? 

Vegeta quickly pins Bulma, sitting on her stomach. It takes five full seconds longer than it should have, because she isn't used to the shorter reach of her female form, and the water makes them both a bit slippery. "Baka human woman! I'll teach you not to mess with a Saiyajin!" 

Bulma's mother steps into the yard. "Oh, my!" She tilts her head inquisitively. "Am I interrupting something?" 

Vegeta scrambles off of Bulma as if the taller woman had spontaneously burst into flame. "Don't be ridiculous!" 

"Mom, as _if_!" Blushing furiously, Bulma stands up and tries to brush off the wet grass stuck all over her clothing. Vegeta strips out of her tank top and wrings it out. 

Bulma's jaw drops. "What are you _doing_!? Don't you have any modesty at all?" 

Vegeta looks down and frowns, clearly having forgotten that females did not go shirtless in public on Chikyuu-sei. Then she shrugs. "Nothing you haven't seen before, I believe you said at one point." A twisted grin appears on her face. "I can see why you'd be ashamed to show _your_ pathetically endowed human body in public, but female Saiyajin are obviously--" 

Screaming in fury, Bulma tries to kick her, but Vegeta is a quick study, and has learned by now how to dodge the uncharacteristically skillful attacks the violent, blue-haired woman is capable of, when really pissed off. Most of the time. Dropping the shirt, she amuses herself by evading the increasingly more furious attempts on her life. 

Meanwhile, Piccolo is furiously snapping away at the half-nude redhead. 'Heh. These could come in handy.' 

Gohan and Goku suddenly land right behind Piccolo. "Hey Piccolo-san, whatcha doin'?" Piccolo quickly shoves the camera under his turban. 

Looking over Piccolo's shoulder, Goku hastily puts a hand over Gohan's eyes. "Oy! Vegeta! Did you forget we were supposed to spar today or what?!" 

Vegeta actually almost blushes. But she quickly recovers and pulls herself up to her full 5'2". "Of course not. I--" The rest of the sentence is lost as her dripping tank top smacks into her face with a wet *sploosh* 

Bulma smirks. Her aim was spot-on, the second time around. By the time Vegeta extracts herself from the suffocating white material, she is almost inside the house. 

The Saiyajin no Ouji--Oujo? glowers at her. The blue-haired imp grins wickedly and waves. Ignoring the sopping wet outfit clinging to the harridan's every curve, Vegeta silently plans her slow and painful demise. 

Goku sagely observes, "You two aren't very convincing as a couple." 

"Shut up! I'm going to change, and then we can train." 

Goku nods, but then suddenly thinks of something. It does occasionally happen. "Hey Vegeta, did you ever think that maybe we should train some in our cursed forms?" 

Vegeta looks like she'd rather chew off her own foot. Hurriedly, Goku continues, "I mean, it could rain during a battle, or you could get thrown in a lake...I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not used to the way my body feels as a panda..." 

Piccolo looks thoughtful. "He's right, you know." 

Scowling, Vegeta growls, "Fine. Whatever. Let's get started, I don't have all day!" 

-------------------------------------- 

_Later that week..._

"Will someone please get that?!" 

"I'm not your answering service," Vegeta mumbles around a mouthful of cereal, not bothering to look up from the crossword puzzle. 

"Aaaargh! You are such a worthless--" A sopping wet Bulma storms into the kitchen, wearing only a towel. She snatches the phone up in mid-ring. "Moshi, moshi...Briefs' residence..." She notices Vegeta's eyes wandering a little and lets the towel drop a little lower. "Oh, hey, Krillin, what's up?" 

Vegeta is now furiously devoting all of his concentration on the corundum laid out before him on the table. A six-letter-word for 'mammary glands'-- 

"Oh cool, a party..." Bulma laughs and leans back a little, revealing a few more inches of leg. Vegeta makes a choking sound and crumples the newspaper in a tightly clenched fist. 

"Sure, we'll come. Should I bring anything? All right, well see ya then." Vegeta continues to cough. 

Hanging up, she smiles sweetly at the scowling Saiyajin. "Need some help with that? I'm good at puzzles..." She winks and leans in closer. Vegeta retreats, leaning away from her and falling out of his chair in the process. 

"Back off, woman!" 

Bulma dissolves into uncontrollable laughter as he storms out of the room, trying to look regal in spite of having to first pick himself off of the floor. 

-------------------------------------- 

Later, at Master Roshi's, the gang has all gathered, minus Chichi and Gohan. Even Vegeta is there, lured only by the prospect of free food not prepared by Bulma's hand. He doesn't hesitate to remind her of that fact all night long, as he intermittently tosses back shots of tequila. Apparently it's the only chikyuu beverage worthy of his royal palate. According to him, Earth beer tastes like "fermented torujin ass sweat". (Torujin are big, hairy aliens with trunks. Think of Snuffleupagus, but different.) 

Chou Tzu, Krillin, Goku, and Bulma are playing Twister, the playing field leveled a little by a few mixed drinks. Bulma, however, is still losing every game. 

"No fair! Goku, you're not allowed to levitate! That's cheating!" 

"But Bulma, it isn't in the rules..." He flips over the box lid to show her. "See?" 

"Of course not, you moron! You freaks are the only ones that can do it!" Hands on her hips, she pouts and seeks reinforcements. "What do you think, Yamucha?" 

Yamucha assumes the classic hand-behind-head pose and laughs nervously. "Gee Bulma, I don't know..." 

"You are all impossible!" she pouts. 

"Ye gods, woman, just admit that you've lost and shut up! Your shrill voice is killing my buzz." Vegeta's words lack their usual venom, though, and he almost cracks a smile. 

"I think you should have a two-drink minimum, you spiky-haired lecher! You're a lot more pleasant when I'm drunk." Not bothering to clarify her muddled statement, she plops down on the couch next to him. 

As the game breaks up, Piccolo calls Tien over to the next room. "Hey, I have something you might be interested in..." He pulls out a stack of glossy 4 X 5's, showing him the top one. 

"Ah, my beautiful flame-haired warrior queen! And with such a lovely companion, sparring in the grass! Where did you find these?" he asks, flipping through the collection. I must have them all!" 

"Ooooh, ooooh, me too! Do you have doubles?!" Roshi pipes in. 

Piccolo smirks evilly. "Of course. There's plenty to go around." 

-------------------------------------- 

Well into the wee hours of the morning, the guests finally depart. Goku, Piccolo, and Yamucha head for the Son residence, the first one loudly muttering the whole time about a little black pig having an unfortunate accident if he doesn't decide to run away soon. Tien and Chou Tzu leave for the mountains, the larger figure clutching a stack of snapshots lovingly to his chest. Krillin and Master Roshi are passed out on the couch and the floor, respectively. 

Which leaves Bulma and Vegeta, stumbling toward the door. 

"There is no way I'm letting you drive me home, woman. You can't even walk straight." 

"I can, too. I really didn't drink all that much." 

"I know, but you sure as hell can't hold your liquor." 

"I what?! Do you have to always be such a jerk? How do _you_ propose that we get--" 

She never finishes the sentence as the Saiyajin prince grabs her around the waist and takes off. "This will be quicker than puttering along in that archaic deathtrap, anyway." 

"Vegeta! Eep!" She locks her arms around him frantically as the ground spins away. "Don't drop me!" 

"Don't give me any ideas," he says calmly. 

Her reply is lost as she takes in the scene around her. The cloudless sky permits the moon to shine brightly over the sleeping earth, illuminating the entire countryside with silver light. Nothing stirs, not even the wind, and the water below shines like a mirror in the semi-darkness. The temperature at that height is much cooler, but the burning heat generated by the well-muscled body pressed against her keeps the chill at bay. Bulma tells herself that it is only the reduced oxygen in the atmosphere that is making her breath come faster. 

As they approach Capsule Corp., Vegeta chuckles darkly in her ear. "I still owe you for this morning, woman..." 

"For what, I didn't do anything!" she says nervously. 

He lets his grip on her loosen a bit, and she shrieks, "What are you doing?" 

He bursts into full-throated laughter and hovers over the pool. "Having a little fun." 

Bulma's eyes are as wide as saucers. She shrieks, "No, don't!" 

"Have a nice swim!" he shouts, as he lets go. She plunges in with a nice, satisfying splash, and he heads for the balcony leading to his room. 

He hesitates, glancing over his shoulder -- she should be yelling obscenities at him by now, but she still hasn't surfaced. What game is she playing at? But a dart of uneasiness hits him, telling him that this is no game. 

"Damn!" 

He lets himself plummet toward the earth, executing a clean dive into the pool, blindly searching for her in the dark water. Hauling her up by the waist of her jeans, he pulls them both to the surface, and then flies out to the grass, watching as she coughs up more water than he'd ever thought one person could hold. 

"You swim like a rock, woman. Why didn't you say something?" 

"You didn't ask, baka," she coughs, weakly, shivering uncontrollably. "You're such an ass." 

"Come here." For lack of any other source of warmth, he gathers her unresisting form back into his arms, flying toward her room. She stiffens, and he says, "I swear that I will never drop you again." It's the closest he is able to come to an apology. Somehow, Bulma senses this, and knows that he meant her no real harm. The warmth of him is intoxicating, disarming her common sense and leaving something else entirely in its wake. Touching down on the balcony, he releases her and turns away, but she stops him with her hand. 

"You know...I think we'd be a lot more convincing as a couple if you'd kiss me." 

"Wha--" Vegeta stared at her, more surprised than if she'd suddenly sprouted wings. Taking the initiative, Bulma kisses him instead, brushing her lips against his, marveling at their softness. Surprisingly, she is the one to break the kiss, long moments later, gasping for breath. 

Vegeta's breath is no longer quite even, either. "I think, woman, that we need further practice." 

She draws him into her bedroom, blue eyes flashing in the dark. "I couldn't agree more." 

-------------------------------------- 

"No, no, and NO, woman! I am the Saiyajin no Ouji, and I do _not_ change diapers!" Vegeta holds a violet-haired baby aloft by the back of his jumper, pounding on the bathroom door. The infant ignores his tirade and gurgles at him, drooling on the floor. 

"Vegeta." Bulma's voice, from the other side of the door, is deadly calm. "I didn't complain, when you knocked me up and took off shortly thereafter, leaving me alone for months for your stupid little Saiyajin training trip, or whatever you want to call it--" 

"Didn't complain??" he interrupts. "I believe the words were: horrible, lying, scum-sucking bastard son-of-a--" 

"_All right_, I did, but not nearly as much as I could have, by rights. My point is, you have gotten off pretty easily so far, shirking all kinds of fatherly duties. But I have not been able to take a long, undisturbed bath in six months and _I am not getting out to change him when you are perfectly able to do so!_" 

Vegeta lets go of what little rein he has on his temper, and blasts the door into miniscule splinters, roaring, "Woman!" as he does so. Bulma screams reflexively, and then beans him in the head with the soap. Living with him has greatly improved her aim. 

"Ow. That got in my eye!" He storms over and hauls her out of the tub by her arms, his face scrunched up in a bad imitation of Popeye from the stinging forcing him to squint his left eye. 

"You great big baby. Just rinse it out. And let me go!" 

As he splashes his face in the sink, he mumbles, "I don't know how to do it." 

Bulma sighs and hugs him from behind, ignoring the irritated growl that the embrace elicits. "All of the stuff is on the changing table. It isn't hard. Just cover the parts that leak." She kisses his neck. "I'll make it up to you later." 

"You'd better," he snarls menacingly, "Although I can't think of what you have to offer that I could possibly want." 

"Ass!" She smacks the back of his head lightly. "Just. Go. Do. It." Chilled and shivering now, she steps back into the tub. 

Vegeta leaves, defeated for the moment. He'd lost the battle as soon as he saw her unclothed form, water tracing silver rivulets down every curve and hollow. He mutters darkly, "I have a weak, stubborn, irritatingly loud and culinarily challenged Chikyuujin mate, and a purple-haired brat that doesn't even remotely look Saiyajin. What did I do to deserve this?" 

-------------------------------------- 

And then, too soon, the three years are up. The warriors gather at the appointed place, looking down over the city far below. Vegeta is absent, after having stormed off during a fight with Bulma. Bulma stands with the rest, a determined look on her face, ready to step in with a weapon of her own, if need be. It was her insistence on coming that sparked the fight. 

They wait, and wait. Vegeta returns, standing apart from the group, aloof and unconcerned. He starts swearing in earnest when the sky opens and a downpour drenches the fighters, activating the Jusenkyou curses. 

Goku chuckles grimly, (more of a "Growrf!" in his current form), and signs, Good thing I suggested that we train this way, huh Vegeta? I'm so smart! 

Vegeta rolls her eyes. "Idiot. And you," she says, turning toward Tien, who has gone all starry-eyed. "Don't even think about it! Keep it in your pants, perv!" 

Before we get to find out whether or not Tien is able to manage his baser impulses, four figures fly onto the scene, coming to a sudden halt with a booming sound. For long moments, no one speaks, as each side mentally assesses their opponents. 

Then the lone female points a lollipop-shaped weapon at Goku and says, "Aiya! You I kill!" 

--------------------------------------   
End Chapter 3


	4. Jusenkyou: Reprise

Vegeta Nibunnoichi, part 4 

Jusenkyo: Reprise   
----------------------- 

The first two androids, the stupid ones, die rather quickly. 

"Lovely!" exclaims the one called Nineteen, going all starry-eyed and glomping onto the flame-haired Vegeta's generous bosom. 'Smoking crater' is shortly almost a generous turn of phrase to describe what is left of him. 

Vegeta is breathing hard, furious, nostrils flared and looking rather violated, arms crossed. "Dammit," is all he says. "Why can't they just fight like normal evil warriors?" 

Twenty lives slightly longer, bouncing around on a large staff, shouting orders at the other two, who seem to be Seventeen and Eighteen. Only just slightly though, as a look passes between the two taller androids and they incinerate him with a beam of power from either side. 

"Good riddance to him," the male says, revealing a firmer grasp of proper Japanese than his blonde companion. 

"He shut up now," the female agrees. 

The Z warriors stand around in awe, slightly stunned at suddenly having their enemies' ranks reduced by half. Unfortunately, the last half proves much more difficult to defeat. 

Eighteen seems to go after Vegeta in particular, as the other 'female', and they are much too evenly matched for his taste. Trunks, who has still not quite gotten over his father's unique condition, tries awkwardly to help and gets bitch-slapped out of the way for his efforts. 

Tien, needless to say, has already been knocked out cold for venturing to save his flame-haired princess from dire peril. 

Piccolo is wishing he had a camera, mentally calculating how much money is going to waste from the profits he could have made on the internet with the svelte blonde android wrestling the red-haired saiyajin, both soaking wet and close enough to kiss. Especially with the violent crowd. 

Trunks gets in the way one last time. "Dammit boy, I don't need your help!" Vegeta shouts, right before having his arm broken and being flung into his son, both of them going down for good. 

Goku, facing off with Seventeen, takes this inopportune time to become afflicted with the heart virus he'd been warned about, and Yamucha, taken out of the fight by the rain, squeals helplessly and tries fruitlessly to drag the huge panda out of harm's way. Piccolo dispatches Gohan post haste for the remedy, back at their house, and grimly steps in to take over. 

Unfortunately, none of the warriors can match the androids individually, much less together, and soon there is no one left to try. Krillin, the last man standing, swallows his fear and tries to face death bravely. The bodies of unconscious Z warriors litter the ground like discarded candy wrappers on a theater floor. 

"Wait." Bulma, suddenly standing next to him, says, "I was afraid it might come to this. Here." 

She unencapsulates two weapons that look for all the world like giant paintball guns. "I promised Vegeta I'd stay out of the way unless there was no other option. I don't see any, do you?" 

"Paintball? Are you completely insane?" Krillin shouts. 

"Not paintball. More like water balloons," she says calmly, as though that is a vast improvement over paint. 

Krillin just stares, but she raises the gun and takes aim at the closest threat, Seventeen, who drops out of the sky like a rock. 

Or a wet duck. 

Fluttering its wings madly at the last second, it manages to avoid a messy impact, instead flying at Bulma's head, quacking in a way that must surely convey nasty duck obscenities. 

Krillin, shocked, fires quickly at the pretty blonde, inordinately pleased with himself as she shrinks into another form -- until he realizes just what that form is. 

_Kami! It's a CAT!_

Krillin, it should be mentioned, is deathly afraid of cats. 

The cat, being a cat, lands on its feet. Liquid-eyed, it advances on Krillin with a throaty-sounding meow. Unlike the duck, whom Bulma has hog-tied (duck-tied?) and is holding aloft by the feet, the cat's attitude has completely changed. 

"Bulma! Why is it looking at me like that? You didn't tell me she'd turn into a cat! I hate cats! Ahhh!" He runs away as the cat winds around his legs, but the furry thing is lightning-fast and has latched onto him with all four clawed feet. Her velvety purr is audible from yards away. 

"Bulma!" he shouts again, desperately. "Do something! Aren't you going to kill them, now that they're small helpless animals?" 

Bulma is busy, having tethered the duck to something heavy so that she can inspect her injured lover's arm. "They can't really pose much threat to the planet if all we have to do is hose them down," she says pragmatically. "Besides, I think the she likes you." 

"Are you nuts? Sure, she's hot, but she's a _cat!_" 

-------------------------------------- 

The warriors recover, and life goes on. 

Trunks manages to get over his father being a cross-dresser, however inadvertently, and returns to the future, armed with a bit of Juskenkyo-to-go, just in case. 

Piccolo continues to make mad cash off of the unsuspecting Vegeta when the opportunity arises. 

Tien continues to pursue his crimson-haired love whenever the opportunity arises. 

Their secret out, Chichi eventually forgives Goku for turning into a panda, and taking Gohan anywhere near a place that might have turned him into a panda. 

Goku eventually forgives Yamucha for groping his wife while in pig form. 

Seventeen eventually forgives Bulma for turning him into a duck, under threat of being tied to a tree and abandoned during duck-hunting season. 

Vegeta eventually forgives Bulma for coming to the rescue and saving all of their asses with brains instead of brawn. 

Krillin eventually forgives Eighteen for being a cat and marries her, as long as she promises to avoid cold drinks. 

--------------------------------------   
End 

Sorry that this isn't terribly long, but it's the end I had in mind the whole time and just never got a chance to write out. I hate leaving things without an ending, so I just wanted to post this quickly to wrap it up. I was pretty sure that if I didn't write and post it tonight it would linger in my archives file forever, collecting dust. This isn't my best fic, but it was pretty fun to write, and a tribute to the anime that got me started with anime and fanfiction, at least as a reader, if not a writer. (That would be Ranma 1/2). 


End file.
